Why I’ve not been writing

I had an intention to fill this blog with stories, images, and insights from my journey… and up to mid-July, I was doing fine on this goal.

And then something happened.

I can’t tell you what it is, because I’m not entirely sure myself. But I could feel myself slowly losing the clarity, the groundedness, and the present-awareness I experienced on the Camino.

I noticed myself spending more time on Facebook, looking to connect.

I found myself wanting to spend time with friends whose schedules required an 8-week lead time, instead of the joyous spontaneity of connection while walking.

I found myself wanting to move, but choosing to work instead.

I stopped walking and started eating. Everything.

I felt myself withdrawing from people again. Even though I crave connection.

And all the while I kept thinking, I’m losing my Camino. I’m losing the joy and the insight.

I felt my life speeding up again, back to its “normal”, unhealthy, unsustainable pace. And I grieved without knowing how to reclaim it.

Underneath my panic that my insights were slipping away, there is a belief that I was supposed to come back all enlightened so I could bring my insights to my work and to others. So many people invested in my journey, I want to tell you I’m totally transformed and ready to take my life to a new level. Although I can see how harsh that is to myself and how ridiculous, it’s there.

I’m telling this story in the past tense, like I’ve somehow figured it all out. I haven’t.

I went to a new doctor, a naturopath, yesterday and we had a good long talk about the connections between stress, attention deficit disorder, depression, anxiety, obsessive eating, and irritable bowel syndrome. I’ve got them all. I feel good about the plan we created together and feel hopeful that this blue period I’m in will lift.

But here’s the takeaway for me: I need to take care of myself.

I took better care of my body while I walked the Camino than I ever have in my life. I was attuned to every muscle tweak, every tummy growl, and every wink of sleep. I took care of myself because I appreciated how valuable a healthy body is when you want it to walk 500 miles. I want to take that lesson home with me and apply it. It’s time to take care of this precious container I call home.

On my doctor’s 9-step plan, number 5 was the clincher: “Schedule time for yourself.”

So I am. And I will. That will include writing — because it’s so cathartic and healing for me. So don’t lose hope in my blog yet. I’ll be back.

6 thoughts on “Why I’ve not been writing

  1. Love this, Jen. Total truth, and totally human. How incredible that you gave yourself the gift of that journey — even though it’s in the past and you feel like you’re “losing” it, you never really can. It is in you forever. And since you need to be where you are in every moment, you can never truly “be there” again unless you physically go back. The lessons, however, are available in every moment. I wish you well in attuning to their quiet, internal voice as much as possible back in your “real life.” (Whatever that is…)

  2. Ooh! great post. Great reminders. You are a treasure – as am I – and we must take care of ourselves and our bodies. ok that said, I’m getting off the computer and walking — RIGHT NOW!
    Much love to you, Jennifer Hofmann. ❤ ❤ ❤

  3. Your honesty and vulnerability are a gift to the world! Along with your courage,beauty,insights, wisdom, humor, love…..
    Thank you for the perfectly imperfect wonderful woman that you are!

  4. totally awesome, so true and heartfelt. and, dang! enlightenment ISN’T a once-and-for-all, now-i’m-done-with-it affair!!! the camino is a shape-shifter. ultreya e suseya, my wonderful friend. you are a treasure!

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