Exactly one year ago today, I put on my bright blue sneakers and began the journey of a lifetime.
Last year on April 16th I wrote, “My bag is packed. My heart is light. I am eager and excited to begin this journey.” I remember these feelings… and being profoundly aware of the unexpected coincidences and generosity that made my pilgrimage possible.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss this. This rarefied awareness of purpose.
The truth is, I feel melancholy today on the anniversary of starting my pilgrimage.
I miss feeling like I’m going somewhere.
I miss feeling so alive.
I miss being who I was on the Camino — present, open, light, loving and loved. My best self.
I feel this growing pressure to “get on with my life.” To stop talking about the Camino to my friends and family. To start pretending that it wasn’t the most incredible journey I’ve yet undertaken.
I feel a little lost. Lost like the day Meg and I missed the turn into the woods. Instead of the familiar path, we walked under a windmill making scary groaning sounds, a huge herd of cows blocked our path, and we ate morcilla by mistake. Where I am right now feels unfamiliar and uncertain, just like the town we walked through that wasn’t on the map. (And I can’t even blame Brierley for it.)
While I trust that this melancholy and uncertainty will pass in time, I can completely understand why people do the Camino more than once, even many times. I want to feel that clarity again, the support, the community, the shared struggle, the freedom. Yes, there were plenty of sucky moments (I have to remind myself of this), but they made it a pilgrimage. Life without challenge is flat.
Thankfully, in the middle of my melancholy, there is an entirely different feeling: gratitude.
Support for this journey came from so many unexpected places, before, during, and after.
I risk omitting someone by listing names, so forgive me, but I’m thankful just the same for Mary, Carol, Elaine, Tim, Sharon, Jill, Donna, Mom and Dad, Marissa, Joanne, Ger, Mark, Marcia, Gayle, Michael, Melanie, Declan, Jenni, Vicki and Gary, Susan, Lisa, Mary Ellen, Lori, Cindy, Marvin, Joyce, Deb, Christine, Jo, all the Peer Leaders, Louise, Marisela, Katrin, Muriel, Lies, Jim, Cheryl, Sally, Don, Kate, Paula, Gary, Scott, Mattias, two Pepes, Moses.
Support came from pilgrims too numerous to name, albergue hosts, baristas, pharmacists, and locals who pointed the way. I’m thankful to the many friends who’ve asked questions and listened to my stories about my experience.
Writing this list of Camino angels makes me tearful. So much love and support poured my way in the span of 2 months. I am so grateful.
Suffice to say that while I found what I was looking for on the Camino, in many ways, I haven’t found it or created it yet in my own life. Maybe that’s what it means when they say that the pilgrimage really begins in Santiago.
So here’s to beginnings, to challenge, and to finding one’s own path. Ultreia! Courage! And buen camino — to us all.
9 thoughts on “Taking my first step toward Santiago”
hugs, Jen! We are all Pilgrims, if we just remember.
Yes. I agree. Remembering is important. ❤
Nice that you shared this vulnerability and insight, as it has implications to my journey too, and I haven’t even put on my blue sneakers yet!
Thanks, Tim! Your comment reminds of AJ Jacob’s quest to live the Bible as literally as possible for one year. His spiritual advisers cautioned him saying, “You can’t just experiment with this. It’s going to change you if you try.” And he did it anyway. And he WAS changed by it.
Knowing in advance that the Camino is more than a walk and that it will change you is helpful. And yet everyone is changed differently. Each pilgrim has his or her own insights. Even if you only try a little, you can’t not be changed by something so long and grueling — away from all the familiarity of home.
I read it. Now, I just can cry, I miss the Camino too, but I feel lucky. My whole life has change since I decided to make the Camino. and is still changing, that is amazing. Be happy my dear, you were and are part of this. thanks Dear Jen!
Te amo, mi amiga, mi angel del Camino! Somos perigrinas por la vida. ❤
Bon anniversaire pour tes un an, Jen ^^ Un an c’est jeune et tu as encore du temps pour réussir à recréer ce sentiment dans ta vie de tous les jours. Parce que, même si tu n’as pas encore conscience du but, tu vas quelque part. Et chaque jour, chaque expérience t’en rapproche.
En tout cas tu n’es pas seule, mon anniversaire tombe le 23 ! Et j’ai hâte de refaire au moins un bout du chemin et en même temps tant d’autres choses m’appellent !
Et n’oublie pas, le chemin passe aussi en france, pas loin de chez moi si un jour tu es tentée 😉
Je suis toujoiurs tentee! Je ne vais pas l’oublier. 🙂
Peut-etre tu as deja fini le chemin de Saint Jaques avec les lecons importants. Qui sait? Je crois qu’il faut suivre ton propre chemin… et tu m’inspire avec ton pas a l’avenir.
Tu n’est pas fini! 🙂
Non, nous ne sommes pas encore finies ^o^
Plein de belles choses à venir …