The irony is not lost on me that I’m currently writing a not-yet-published post about how 7-year-old me completely trusted Spirit … and how I said yes to my call to the Camino in order to receive the spiritual gifts from it.
I’m sitting here looking out on the garden and pouting angrily at the realization that I have to say yes again. God is calling me toward something great, something amazing, and all I’m doing is digging in my heels in defiance. No! Nonono! I want to do it myself! I’m three years old again, grabbing my toy back. I want to control my life. I don’t want to change! I don’t care if the change would be better for me; I want to stay stuck here and mope about how awful it is.
The very idea that I could just say yes to the Divine plan is anathema to my ego’s agenda.
But here I sit at the very edge of the known again, looking out into the cloud-shrouded void of God’s plan—just like I did three years ago when I said yes to walking the Camino. This moment is present for everyone, any time, on any day, but I can feel my feet dangling off this particular cliff, dirt on my pants and gravel under my palms.
Dammit. I know something awe-inspiring awaits on the other side. I just hate that can’t control what that something is or how I’ll get there. Damndamndammit!
I’m sure there are more spiritually awake people in the world who hear a call—a request by the Divine to release control—and in trust, give an unflinching yes. I am not in that crowd. For me, the choice is obvious (say yes!!), but resistance is the first and most powerful response.
My tantrum isn’t over yet, but I know where all of this is headed. I’ll bet you do too.
Jen's Journey - Camino de Santiago 2013, 2016, & 2019 
Jen, You are so eloquent! Even in your tantrum. I can hardly wait to learn what the big “YES” you are leading up to embracing will be. So blessed to know you.
Thanks, Nancy! A big tantrum is good for the soul, don’t you think? 🙂
This was exactly the thing I needed to read. A few hours ago I was sort of fretting about my life (in the way that I do a lot, these days)… wanting to figure out the right decisions, second-guessing everything, not knowing how I was going to figure it all out. Reading your post made me stop and reframe absolutely everything, and I can’t describe the lightness I feel right now (it will probably all disappear within a few hours but for now, it feels great!!).
Yes Jen, answering a call and letting go of some control is so, so hard. But you’re aware of it, you know what you’ve got to do, and that’s awesome. What’s even better is how honest you are about the process. It helped me realize that even though I’m sort of trying to follow the things I feel called to do, I’m also putting up a ton of resistance. Time to stop fighting, and just embrace it!!!
Can’t wait to hear about what you’re feeling called to do (I hope it involves another long walk!!) 😉
I’m giggling and grinning gratefully at your words, Nadine. Isn’t it crazy how you can have a deep-belly knowing, yet the brain goes haywire with contradicting chatter?
I’m still in the god-dammit phase (that seems to be my first-step trend), but I know it will start to shift. Eventually. It helps me to remember just how green, new, and novice I was on arrival in SJPP, and how wise, confident, and peaceful I was by the end (by comparison, anyway). It helps me to remember what I was capable of facing.
Cheering you and sending prayers for peace and clarity. And hopes, of course, that you’ll blog about it. 🙂
Ah: don’t be afraid to reach for that dream. Someone’s gotta shine. 😉
Agreed! 🙂 It beats grumbling, anyway.
So beautifully written. I’m dying to know what you’ll be saying yes to 🙂
Alison
Thank you, Alison! I would like to know what I’m saying yes to as well.
We’ll read about it eventually…that’s how we writers work. Open book: us.
Ha! Isn’t THAT the truth! 🙂
Great post !
Yes, shining is more frightening than remaining in the shadow. And that’s why, if I don’t fear a “yes” at first, then I always spoil the whole thing with freaking control…
But, from my far away home, I can see you saying lots of “yes”, big or small. So this one must be a huge one…