After two years of thinking that walking the Camino de Santiago once should be enough for anyone for a lifetime . . . After six months (at least) of actively resisting a clear call to return, I’m finally saying aloud (or writing, if you want to be literal) it’s going to happen, God willing.
When I first heard the call, it was a tiny little whisper that said, Go back.
“Nonono!” My inner control freak raged. “No! Not doing it!”
I’ve been chewing on it ever since. Mostly, I’ve thought a lot about ancient pilgrims who, without the aid of modern travel, got to Santiago (or even earlier, Finisterre), spent a few days or weeks celebrating, then turned around to start walking home again. This walk back was an entirely separate journey! Even the Iliad has the Odyssey — the story of return.
After sitting in discernment (okay, actively arguing with Whoever Does The Calling), I began to realize that my next walk isn’t to repeat the journey in the same order. I’m not going back to Saint Jean Pied de Port. My call is to begin at the end and walk to the beginning. I hope to start in Finisterre and then walk back — to Santiago at least, but maybe farther — as far as I need to go.
The reason why I want to answer this call is the symmetry of it. “To arrive where we started,” as T.S. Eliot famously wrote, “and know the place for the first time.” Just as ancient pilgrims did, I’m intrigued by the possibility of revisiting so many powerful places of personal significance to me. Even though I’ve had closure on the intense feelings and have integrated many experiences the Camino brought up, I want to stand on the piece of earth where I woke up. I want to walk that sacred ground again, remember, and resolve on a very deep level to keep being the person I discovered there.
My resistance has been about time and money, of course, and conflicting travel desires. It’s also about control and not trusting the process. I’ve not written about it until now because of the fear it brings up. I didn’t want to say anything until I said Yes. Unlike the first journey, the logistics of this call are about walking against the stream, very likely alone, and with much less clear direction (no yellow arrows!). After the camaraderie of my Camino, this sounds like a very lonely experience. My mind can be my worst enemy out there all alone.
On the other hand, just like my first Camino, answering the call gave me exactly what I needed. I received many more gifts than I could ever have imagined. I don’t know how many times the Divine needs to bonk me on the head with this lesson, but eventually I’d like to believe with all my heart that answering with an unhesitating YES will give me exactly what I need to grow and evolve. In the never-ending duel between trust and control, I want to choose trust.
So here I go. Again. I’m preparing to walk the Camino.
Can I get a witness?
Want to know more about why I’m doing the Camino in reverse — and how you can help? Read on!
12 thoughts on “Announcing my next journey”
Amen! How exciting! God will lead you on your right and perfect path.
Thanks, Xina! Will I let myself be led is the question. 🙂
I will be your witness! What courage. It will probably take everything you have and give you back . . . . . . . the world!
Thanks, Alison! As much as I would like to choose the agenda and the outcome, giving it my all might be the best thing of all. Love back at you!
Cette fille en a !
I will do my best to be there at your arrival. Well, unless you walk to my home 😉
On va voir, n’est-ce pas? 😉 Gros bisous, chere amie!
Here you go. And the truth is, you’ve never stopped walking, not for a moment.
I hear and see you! And am cheering you on 🙂
What a great thought. Love it. Do it.
Thank you, Cheryl. This means a lot coming from a two-time pilgrim! ❤
YES!!!!!!! I knew you’d be going back!! And oh, this is wonderful: begin at the end and walk to the beginning. Jen, I cannot wait to see what this journey will be like for you, and I’m fascinated by the concept of walking in the “opposite” direction on the Camino. I always thought that I would be a mess if I attempted it- surely getting off track and lost- but it brings a whole new level of intentional walking to the journey. And I have such good memories of the super brief interactions I had with pilgrims “going the other way”, from both of my Caminos.
I also totally get the continuation of the journey thing… I felt so strongly that I was only halfway done when I arrived in Santiago after walking the Frances. And it makes so much sense, doesn’t it? Hundreds of years ago, the walk WAS only half way completed at that point.
So, so excited for this news… I’m wishing you the very best in this preparation time (especially with some of the physical challenges you’re up against- I read your other post on this)- but I have no doubt that you will do this. Go Peregrina, go!!
Thank you, peregrina sister, for the encouragement, validation, and your general awesomeness. (And all the exclamation points!) 🙂 You get it. I am so thankful. ❤
You know, I keep thinking about doing the walk back as a group, rather than solo, for all the reasons you mention. Imagine how the Middle Ages groups did it with no arrows. Group pilgrimage might be a cool thing. Someday, maybe. Anyway, I keep thinking it might be a tremendous way to revisit the Way.