Miles walked today: 1.75
Total training miles to date: 3.55
Days left til I leave: 74
For the first time in my life, I’m going to the gym without intending to lose weight. Could I afford to lose it? Yes. I’m 34% fat, according to the tests from Monday’s training session. I could afford to lose about 40 pounds, really.
But I don’t give a whit.
When the trainer asked me what my goals were, I told her I want to have endurance and balance and feel confident walking long distances. I want to be able to hoist on my pack easily. Most of all, I told her that I wanted to feel strong. Just saying that brings tears to my eyes.
For the first time in my life, I’m focusing on how I want to feel in my body — I’m not thinking about what it looks like to others or that nasty, self-judging voice in my head.
When the trainer warned me that I might actually gain weight by focusing on strength training, I didn’t care! All these years, that fact has daunted and discouraged me. It just occurred to me that all my life, I’ve defined progress (and my worth) by the numbers on the scale.
And it made me wonder — what the use of a low number, a low weight if my quality of life sucks? I could be thinner but as a result of being sickly or atrophied or (insert worst case scenario here). Maybe it’s because I’m getting wiser, but I just realized that the number doesn’t matter as long as I feel good in my body.
Because of this, I’m reveling in the changes I can already feel happening with 2 days of exercise this week. My arm muscles feel all shaky when I’m done with the weight machines. I’m energized after a walk on the treadmill. I’m reveling in the sunrise I see from indoors as I walk. It’s like, holy cow! I’m really enjoying this!
And the thing I love about this process so far is what I’m always telling my organizing clients: I’m enjoying the journey and celebrating the small signs of progress.
Instead of hoping for a number on the bathroom scale that will determine my worth, my direction, my focus, my goal is to feel awesome! Confident! Strong!
And I’m getting there!