On receiving gifts of love and support

Miles walked today: 2.85
Total training miles to date: 19.9
Days left til I leave: 62

After getting my ashen smudge today for Ash Wednesday, John stopped me outside of church and asked me enthusiastically, “Did you get a workout in today?!” I felt so jazzed saying YES! I feel so grateful to the many people who know how big a thing this is for me and are so encouraging. If you’ve done this lately (or just listened to me talk about how excited/nervous I am), thank you. It means a lot to me… and I will take this gift with me on my trip.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve tried not to “need” people most of my life. I’ve often felt guilty for taking up air time. Or taking up space or things that could be someone else’s. I try to stay small and be the first to provide to others — yet when someone tries to give the same kindness back, I feel uncomfortable. As Inspired Spouse and I say, “it doesn’t go in.” I don’t trust it and a kind gesture just bounces off me without nourishing the part of me that wants connection.

I’m sure I’m not alone in this.

It’s coming up now because I can see how this pattern has contributed to a feeling of isolation inside of me. I wonder if the Camino journey will give me lessons in accepting help and kindness, as well as giving it. I hope this is the case. If we allow ourselves to let in the gifts others offer to us, we can be nourished and give back in turn.

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